Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Woman's Poem

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He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

The Physical

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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Look, It's Okay...

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Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

Colonoscopy 101

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I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Mental Health

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This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

I’ve done my part!!!

Dear Abby

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Letters Dear Abby had no answers for:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Life as a Priest

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

What I Want

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Original List:

Handsome
Charming
Financially successful
A caring listener

The China Piggy Bank

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As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Racquetball Anyone?

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.

Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Don't

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There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys.”

Weight Loss Program

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-pound weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

Dear Tide

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I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

Time To Start Cussing

1 comment:
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

John Kerry Fan

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A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.

Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

Iraqis On Star Trek

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> The Iraqi Ambassador to the United Nations was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.

Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, “Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America.”

American History

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. “Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’”

Friday, September 22, 2006

Southern Grandmothers

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Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

Men...

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For all those men who say, why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here’s an update for you:

Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

When Girls Drink Too Much...

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We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo” is truly the sexiest dance move around.
We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do it too…In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Old is When…

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“OLD” is when… Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one; I can’t do both!!!”

“OLD” is when… Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

Mid-Life

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I’ve seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be… Puhleeeeeeeze!

I’ve had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you’ll probably relate.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Sipping Vodka

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

Night Classes for Men

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TOPIC 1 - How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.

TOPIC 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.

My Little Brother

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

Girls Night Out

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The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Life and Death

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While I was watching the TV one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

The Good Samaritan

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As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important interview, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

New Face

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body, because he was too skinny. His wife’s tissue type was a match, so she offered to donate some of her own skin.

Out of the Mouth of Babes…

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iv> 1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Important Questions

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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Frequency

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A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

The Raise

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The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going to call the cops!”

The Roswell Incident

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Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Buddies

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There was a Mississippi redneck and a Louisiana Cajun, fishing on their respective sides of the Mississippi river.

Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the Cajun was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Little Johnny

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One day the lover is over at the womens house and they are upstairs making love. A little while later little Johnny comes home unexpectedly and finds the mother and lover in bed. So little Johnny goes into the bedroom closet to watch.

A short time later, the husband comes home unexpectedly and the wife tells the lover to get in the closet.

What Do You Call...

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Q: What do you call a house where women sell themselves?
A: A house of Ill Repute.

Q: What do you call a house where men sell themselves?
A: House of Representatives.

Computer Virus Alert

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Watch out for these new viruses. Neither Symantec, Norton, nor McAfee have solutions as of yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you turn it on.

A Billion?

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The next time you hear a politician use the word “billion” in a casual manner, think about whether you want the “politicians” spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

Friday, September 15, 2006

New Orleans

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Let’s take a look at New Orleans. It’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division…

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

Mexican Jews

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Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Sid,” asked Mundo, “are there any Jews in Mexico?”

I don’t know,” Mundo replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

Lemon Breast Chicken

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I saw this recipe for a Lemon Breast Chicken that looked really good. I thought I would share it with all of you… Anyway, here it is:

Ingredients

1 whole chicken (weight is dependent on how many servings are required)

Three Pints

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”

The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

Blonde Celebration

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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Louisiana Cockfights

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The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held around the outskirts of Shreveport and sent their best Cajun detective to investigate.

He reported back to his sergeant the next morning. “Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin,” he began.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Apples and Wine

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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Ponder This...

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A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.”

Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

Funny Things About Life…

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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants!!!

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative…

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The House of Affection

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Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection.

The madam was crestfallen. “Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy. No one left but me.”

The Luncheon

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Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren’t mine!”