Wednesday, January 31, 2007
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four... "
Monday, January 29, 2007
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo; And
She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said, "I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
(Not that you wouldn't be able to tell, but he's the kid in the lower left of the photo, in the red shirt.)
Monday, January 15, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
Friday, January 12, 2007
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
Thursday, January 11, 2007
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Monday, January 8, 2007
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he’ll do his best to work on it for them.
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom.
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table… then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men? (Hmmmm)
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me…they’re cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”?
Friday, January 5, 2007
“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “that I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
I went up to him and said, “Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break”?