Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Brokeback Reality

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

The Why's of Men...

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Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: They don't have enough time!

Kids are Smart!

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I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Cop vs. Defense Lawyer

1 comment:
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Monday, February 26, 2007

Classified...

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This was sent to me by an associate in the surveillance field. I am sharing it with friends and family on a need to know basis. I cannot vouch for its validity but, if true, it could very well rock the foundation of this country.

SECURITY PHOTO: CONFIDENTIAL

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Ungrateful Wife!

1 comment:
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

Saturday, February 24, 2007

About Work

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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.

If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Religious Squirrels

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There were five country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church
The Baptist Church
The Methodist Church
The Catholic Church; And
The Jewish Synagogue

High School Mathematics

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City of Los Angeles High School Mathematics Proficiency Exam

Name:
Gang:

Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 18 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before having to reload?

Life's Lessons

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Scratch & Sniff

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Make sure you follow the directions.

Click on the link below!

Scratch & Sniff

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Saying the Right Thing @ the Right Time...

1 comment:
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

The Ironic Eternal Optimist

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Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Old Age and Technology

1 comment:
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Happy, Happy!

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Saint Patrick's Day was made an official Christian feast day in the early seventeenth century and is observed by the Catholic Church, the Anglican Communion (especially the Church of Ireland), the Eastern Orthodox Church and Lutheran Church.

Screen Cleaner

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Have your noticed that your computer monitor, after a few years of use is not as clear as it was when new? Well, that's because electrostatic charges cause micro etching on the interior surface of the glass which can degrade the picture quality.

As a result you end up straining your vision and visual acuity can suffer. BUT... GOOD NEWS!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Serious Virus...

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I am sending this to everyone who sends me email.

One of you sent a virus.

It is a very severe virus.

Look what it did to my mouse.

Hat tip: My sister ♥ Debbie ♥

New Office Policies...

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Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

From Comedy Plus to You!

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Saint Valentine's Day, also known as Valentine's Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine, is observed on February 14 each year.

It is celebrated in many countries around the world, although it is not a holiday in most of them.

Retirement!

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Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Singing in the Rain...

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Singin' in the Rain is a 1952 American musical comedy film directed by Gene Kelly and Stanley Donen, starring Kelly, Donald O'Connor and Debbie Reynolds, and choreographed by Kelly. It offers a lighthearted depiction of Hollywood in the late '20s, with the three stars portraying performers caught up in the transition from silent films to "talkies."  Source: Wikipedia

Happy Valentines Day

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February 14 is celebrated as St. Valentine's Day in various Christian denominations; it has, for example, the rank of 'commemoration' in the calendar of saints in the Anglican Communion. In addition, the feast day of Saint Valentine is also given in the calendar of saints of the Lutheran Church.

Hot For You!

1 comment:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Men Strike Back!

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We knew it was going to happen, but we just didn't know when. Here it is. Men's answer to Maxine.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Washcloth

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There isn't a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Why, Why, Why???

1 comment:
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat wil have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Men vs. Women

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Brigette Bardot

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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her Boobs.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead.

Memopause Jewelry

1 comment:
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

Friday, February 9, 2007

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman...

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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are...

The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Showers: Women vs. Men

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How to shower like a woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Mammograms...

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Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Miss Beatrice

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

Monday, February 5, 2007

The Interview

1 comment:
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

The Perfect Child

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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

Super Bowl Ticket

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A man had 50-yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

New Orleans

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This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans, Louisiana.

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

Spaghetti...

1 comment:
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Getting Even...

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One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her.

The Four Ghosts of the White House

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One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

On Aging

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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Things to Ponder

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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Words of Wisdom

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Love is grand!!! Divorce is a hundred grand…

I am in shape. Round IS a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

Success Defined

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At age 4, success is… not peeing in your pants.

At age 12, success is… having friends.

At age 20, success is… having sex.

At age 35, success is… making money.

About Kids

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One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that daddy."

Saturday, February 3, 2007

The Blonde

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A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

Friday, February 2, 2007

Old Age Is...

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Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

Great Salesman

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A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

Sleeping During Church

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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

Thursday, February 1, 2007

A Day Without Laughter is Wasted!

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A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Stunning Senior Moment

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A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.