Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Eve

13 comments:
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."
Bill Vaughn

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
Bill Vaughn

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Resolutions

19 comments:
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!

Read less.

I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Audi Lynn

26 comments:
On December 26th our granddaughter called us around 8:30 pm to inform us that she was in labor. She had only dilated 1 centimeter so there was a long way to go. We told her to call us in the morning with either the news that the new baby had arrived or she was still in labor.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

About the Movies

15 comments:
What Movies Have Taught Us

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Blog Hop

23 comments:
Jackie over at The Painted Veil and I are doing a blog hop (Christmas Celebration-hop).

What happens in a blog hop is if you enter your link on my site your link will show up on everyone that is participating in this blog hop.

So go ahead and enter your link.

A Day of Peace

18 comments:
I hope all of my readers had a wonderful Christmas day, well if you celebrate Christmas that is. Many of you remember my not so fun Thanksgiving, and for those that don't you can read about it HERE. We weren't going to do Christmas dinner at all but decided not to penalize the rest of the family for the actions of one. Well that and many of you weighed in on why we should do Christmas. We are so happy we listened to you and decided to host Christmas dinner.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Romance...

14 comments:
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

16 comments:
Earlier this week we played the Story Game (Twas the Night Before Christmas) and this is the finished product. I thought it fitting to post on Christmas Day as you all did so well in doing your usual funny twist. So without further ado here's your masterpiece...

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house the presents were laid out and the family were fast asleep dreaming of what they'd find under the tree on Christmas morning.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Cool Person Test

19 comments:
This test is based on how cool you were in High School.

What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated, etc.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Monastery

18 comments:
At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The $50 Bill

15 comments:
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel. As the elevator traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $50 bill lying on the elevator's floor.

Which one picked up the $50 bill, and handed it in at reception?

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Story Game

21 comments:
It's time to play The Story Game again. Here's how it works. I'll start a story. You continue it in comments. Each commenter picks up where the last left off. In a few days I'll give it an ending and post our story with the links to everyone who participated under the heading, "Contributing Authors". You can play as many times as you want. Thanks for playing along and have a great day.

Here's the beginning of our new story: Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Comment Game

26 comments:
It's time to play the comment game again. I've a very busy week this week so I wanted you to have something constructive to do. Now play nice okay!

Here's how it goes: I'll start the game off at the bottom of this post by choosing two words or phrases, like coffee or tea, and which ever one you prefer you choose. You can also explain why. When you have done that you do two new words or phrases for the next commenter to choose from. Feel free to come back as often as you like. Just have fun. If someone derails the game will one of you put it back on track? Thanks.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Little Carol

22 comments:
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Friday, December 17, 2010

Christmas Celebration

17 comments:
In honor of Jackie's (Painted Veil grand baby Chloe's first Christmas and my upcoming new great grandchild and because it will just be fun, we are hosting a Christmas Celebration blog hop. We will both publish the blog hop at midnight on December 23rd. It will be open until December the 27th at midnight.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Redneck Traffic Stop

27 comments:
A guy cruises through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, and registration. The policeman notices a Concealed Carry Permit as the man was fishing out his drivers license. So the cop asks, “Are you carrying today?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Well then, better tell me what you got.”

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Let's Say Thanks

14 comments:
If you go to this web site, Let's Say Thanks you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently stationed overseas. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services. How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!!

It is FREE and it only takes a few seconds.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Sunday's Hymns

26 comments:
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

Monday, December 13, 2010

Ferd and Gail

16 comments:
It was Thursday, December 9 at about 3:45 in the afternoon when we pulled out of our driveway en-route to Encinal Yacht Club to meet with Ferd author of The Best Parts and Gail author of Gail Birdtale. We had plenty of time as we've made this trip to Encinal Yacht Club so many times before. We had smooth sailing all the way until we got onto Interstate 880 in the bay area. There were posted warnings that there had been an accident and three of the lanes were blocked. Well we were committed so we continued on. It's a seven mile trip on 880 to our turnoff in Alameda.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Facebook Addiction

32 comments:
The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the “Heroin Addiction Department (HAD),” the “Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)” and the “Bingo Addiction Department (BAD).” Then she spotted the department she was looking for: “Facebook Addiction Department (FAD).”

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Paraprosdokian

15 comments:
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Paraprosdokian

16 comments:
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's All About Ferd

13 comments:
Tonight hubby and I are going to meet and have dinner with another blogger. That blogger is Dr. Ferd Crotte, author of The Best Parts and his lovely wife Princess Gail. They are staying in San Francisco for several days and we've agreed to meet at Encinal Yacht Club for dinner. Here's Ferd's 'It's All About Me' on his other blog Crazy Medical Cases.

Dear God

17 comments:
Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Good Dog

23 comments:
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

COW Ceremony

25 comments:
It was an exciting night for a bunch of us as many moved up a chair in rank and we have a whole bunch of new directors this year. It should be a fun year and I'm going to do everything I can to make it a fun year. There is work to do, but we can have fun getting the work done too.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Blind Salesperson

21 comments:
A woman goes into Fishing Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Shop assistant is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Old Timers Sex

28 comments:
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Tropical Snowdrops

16 comments:
Steve over at Burnt Food Dude tells us that December 4th is Cookie Day. Well if that's the case then I'll play along. Here's Steve's instructions:

I have been informed by Mr Food that Saturday December 4th is cookie day! I’ve decided to have a cookie exchange day. All you need to do is either send me your favorite cookie recipe and I’ll post it here next Saturday with a link to your blog. Otherwise, promise to put a cookie recipe on your blog and send me a link to the page that it is on. I’ll post the link here for everyone to follow and get a good cookie recipe.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Change of Watch

29 comments:
Tonight is a very big night for me. We are off to the boat for our last official yacht club meeting of 2010. You know what that means? It means that somewhere during the evening I go from Vice Commodore to Commodore.

This means that I will be the president of our yacht club for the year 2011. It's an exciting time. I've done all the work and now I leave the work to those coming up through the chairs. I will tell you that it's gone by very rapidly.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Christmas

27 comments:
After 25 years of doing Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner for my family, we've canceled doing the Christmas dinner for this year. We are uncertain if we will ever do the dinners again. It's upsetting and heartbreaking.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

TSA

24 comments:
Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

Grope discounts available.

If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Marvin

24 comments:
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Monday, November 29, 2010

A Funeral

32 comments:
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Rough Year

25 comments:

But not everyone is as lucky as I am...

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at Burger King, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Famous Quotes

15 comments:
"I'm convinced that today the majority of Americans want what those first Americans wanted: a better life for themselves and their children; a minimum of government authority.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Accident

19 comments:
“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course.”

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

24 comments:
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Deal

23 comments:
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a 'C' to a 'B' average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Holiday Hop

11 comments:
Jackie over at The Painted Veil is doing a blog hop (holiday-hop). I've not done one in some time so why not.

What happens in a blog hop is if you enter your link on my site your link will show up on everyone that is participating in this blog hop. So go ahead and enter your link.

When I Grow Up

21 comments:
I found this over at Hillybilly Willy's place and just had to repost it here.

It just cracked me up.

What will I be when I grow up?

Perhaps the Ballerina.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Martha or Maxine

26 comments:
Martha Way#1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Maxine's Way #1: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha’s Way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Truths - Part II

22 comments:
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Truths - Part I

23 comments:
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Stress Management

26 comments:
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

St. Peter

16 comments:
Three men approached the pearly gates for entrance into heaven:

The first man stepped forward feeling confident all the things he’d done for the world would gain him passage into paradise.

St Peter asked. “Who might you be, and what have you done for humanity, and your country..ah you’re an American?”

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Forester vs Lawyer

21 comments:
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Do You Remember

28 comments:
Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Joys of Womanhood

21 comments:
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

10 Reasons

25 comments:
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.